you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
