im drinking this country out of the recession.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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