At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
