My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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