I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
