Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
