i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
