you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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