Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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