just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So squirting runs in the family.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
