Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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