i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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