I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
