this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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