Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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