I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
