We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
