My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
