____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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