just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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