Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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