I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
