but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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