I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just pee around me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
