I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
