god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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