Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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