I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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