we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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