just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
