Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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