Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
