yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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