Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
