We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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