I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
