Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
