he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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