I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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