best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
