I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
