1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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