Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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