I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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