I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
