i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
