I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
