My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
