He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
