Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
