The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
