So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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