Please, let me fuck your mom
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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