I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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