dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
