im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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