And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
