peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize