dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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