There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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