Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
